Today is February 28. Tomorrow morning I will go to Sugar Land Methodist Hospital to have my c-section. It felt like ages since the doctor informed me about Isaac’s dilated kidneys in my 20th week of pregnancy. As I recall, when I received the news from Dr. Starr, I was in the midst of teaching in my class room. I couldn’t remember what lesson I was teaching, but I remember telling my kids that I needed to make a phone call to my husband at that time. I have a trainee teacher from Austin High School in my class at the time. I asked her to take over my class and helped me to conduct the lesson. All I can remember was searching frantically on the web for more information about dilated kidney (pylectasis). I was shaken and terrified upon reading that dilated kidney a soft marker of down syndrome. During lunch hours and off periods, I locked myself in my room and cried helplessly.
The following weeks were tough as I cried everywhere I had been. I cried when I was driving to training center, school, church and even in front of Meredith. It felt like I lost the bearing in my life. I even quit my job in December 2007 because I was so stressed out. I was very careful about my prayers to God and I also make sure that Eric is praying not for God’s will, but only our will. Our will is for Isaac to be healthy and God must not let anything bad happen. I read about Jesus’ prayer in Gethsemane shortly before he is crucified. Jesus asked God if he could NOT go through the immense suffering on the cross but ultimately he chose to let God’s will triumphed over his will (which means he has to die in the most painful way on the cross). I was stunt. I don’t have faith or courage to pray for His will to be done in my life if it means Isaac might be unhealthy. What if his will is for the worst fear in my life to happen.
However, prayers have slowly changed my mind, I finally have faith to pray for God’s will be done in my life. I came to realize that it is not easy to ask someone to pray to seek for God’s will. It might be cruel to pray for God’s will be done in someone life without first asking how he or she would feel during the period of suffering.
I had detail ultrasound exams every month following that. Thank God that my 28th and 32nd week ultrasounds results did not break my heart into pieces. They did not see any other soft markers of down syndrome in addition to the dilated kidney. God has strengthen my heart through all the people around me. People in our church poured out their love and support for us throughout all this. Their prayers and love sustained my hope through this period. I also developed a closer relationship with God due to this. I am uncertain about how I will feel when Isaac is born tomorrow. Deep down my heart, as a mother, I want him to be a healthy and normal boy. I want him to be just like any of the kids we see in Sunday School. If something negative happen, I think my heart will freefall into a dark place for a while. I am not sure how long the suffering might be. But I am certain that God’s love is amazing and sufficient for everything that we might encounter and we will be able to live through anything with God’s grace.
